Saturday, 1 August 2009

Life turned Upside Down!

I’ve been missing the kids heaps, but the nursery set up is keeping me busy and testing my faith more than I can express. As with the lessons of Pingawlara to let go is the most important thing, Well even more so as I have no control of my life - its bizarre the life I left is no longer mine, my brother sold the BMW I was driving before India, my beautiful Tigra of 10 years also wasn’t well (didn’t have a car for 6 weeks) thank god for friends and brothers, I’m not earning a decent salary (just supply work as and when) so finances are scarce and top it all off I have the pressure of getting married. I’m even getting comments like:

“You’re a lot worse of”
“You’ve gone 10 steps backwards”
“You’ve lost everything you worked for”
“Your going to be 30 what do you have to show for it?”
How can one explain in words that there are no regrets on my side leaving and going to India, I will not allow anyone else to make me feel as though I made a mistake… because it wasn’t, what the kids gave to me was priceless and if the same decision to pack my bags and leave was to be made I would do it not once but a million times over.
You can’t put a price on unconditional love, hugs or kisses…to be loved for possession of nothing is truly remarkable…. To be loved for being there, just being there!

How does one explain my souls cry?

Ever since I’ve been back life has been so difficult God has turned my life upside down and there is no light, in fact I don’t really know what to write about! The nursery is under way I’m also doing a course but it’s not what I want to do… to say I’m unhappy is an under statement. To have material things taken away one can accept Gods will but to have the children taken away from you, where your life is to work with them - That hurts more than anything else, I’m not asking for riches or for materialistic value! All I want is to be with special needs children and surrounded by those who have nothing and no one else wants to touch… is this so wrong?

Is it so wrong to want for another?
So wrong to not want to be married, have a car, a house and a boring 9-5 job at this moment in time!

I’m being judged for what I haven’t got... but only GOD and my dad knows what I truly possess and that’s not even worth sharing for those who judge me without hesitation.

There is nothing for me to write about anymore…